Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
