You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
