Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
