I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
