3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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