Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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