I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
