I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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