I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize