My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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