Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
