I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
