I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
