Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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