I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Randomize
