Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
