Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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