so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
