The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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