i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
