Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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