i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
We smell like vodka and hangover
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