Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
