I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
