he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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