I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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