Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
