They should really pass out barf bags in church
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
