I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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