he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize