wrigley field is MILF paradise
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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