You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
