I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
its liver damage thursday
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
