Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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