So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Holy sore nipples Batman
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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