like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
