Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
