Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
