I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize