So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
