The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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