That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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