I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
