based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
