dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
