im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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