i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
