i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize