I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
