I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
