If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
