Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
