I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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