ya dads aren't the best wingmen
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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