mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
