No awkward lesbian experiences without me
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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