Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
