All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize