Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Randomize
