when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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