I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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